one week on…

hope...I thought I would reflect a little on what has happened over the last week.  Not specifically, just generally as it’s been quite a challenging one.

I said last week that I was going to try to start to pray again, so I did.  The simple words I articulated were ‘God help me pray’.  They were what came to mind, so they were what were spoken.

There’s been cause for prayer this week…and I have prayed. And in honesty I can’t tell if those prayers have been heard let alone answered.  Not in some vague, ‘maybe the answer will come’ kind of way, but very real needs in very real circumstances for which the  ‘maybe it’s meant to be’ thing just doesn’t cut it.

I’m still trying to figure this out at the moment.  On the one hand I’m at peace over it, on the other I’m kind of angry.  Maybe I was expecting too much, maybe my ‘lack of faith’ was the core of the problem. I don’t know.

It’s not going to stop me trying.  If nothing else I feel like I have to hold God accountable for those promises about asking/seeking/knocking…not that I’m trying to be a spoilt child who is angry because he hasn’t received something he wanted, but because I do still believe despite the doubt and confusion.  And I’m a stubborn bastard.

Hope still exists even when all else makes it seem like it has vanished.

Another dark night to walk through…

4 thoughts on “one week on…

  1. I was just going to leave a like but then realised that didn’t really fit the tone. You aren’t alone in your thoughts. It can feel so lonely at times. I do often wonder that I have it slightly easier coming from a non christian back ground and one in which I was a complete atheist. That occasional feeling of being completely alone without god is one I had for a very long time so on those moments when I have doubts they don’t effect me as much maybe.

    1. And growing up in a context where you’re told time and time again that you pray and stuff happens can leave you a bit like an addict looking for the next hit! Thankfully I’ve been weened off that kind of thinking, which although useful for many just isn’t my experience. I’m more than happy to accept that my faith isn’t where it should or could be, but struggle with the concept that prayers are answered on how much we pester God. Fundamentally, I know that God does the business, in the big picture of things, and that the answer we wanted may not have been the best answer available.

      What interests me is discovering God in these dark and quiet places, often in silence and calm, rather than a sense of him running around frantically answering out requests!

      And so yes, I do feel somewhat alone on this, and long for something more obvious than the ‘just enough to get through each day’, but I still think that there’s something worth following.

  2. I think the key is that when we pray we should be seeking God’s heart. God says “I am who I am” and He will do what He will do. We’re not going to change His mind, but when we ask and He says no (or yes when we least expect it) He may change ours. That’s how I see it, anyway.

    Interestingly I’m brewing a bit of a post on prayer at the moment, who knows when I’ll get to write it. But basically I think prayer has many facets and it’s purpose changes as our relationship with God changes. My suggestion, if you’re having trouble getting back into it, is to try and spend time focussing on Him first. Praise Him, thank Him, count your blessings, recall the wondrous things He has done in your life, seek His heart. Oh and don’t be too afraid to ask the question everyone asks when they meet someone new… what’s your name. Christian’s don’t seem to care about the many names of God, we call him God, but that’s a title; if He’s our father and/or our friend, shouldn’t we know His name? The name He chooses for us to use may change over time, mind.

    BTW. Stuff about names? Literally just came to my fingers as I typed. Never thought about it before (although I have thought about meditating on the names of God before) so maybe that’s something *I* need to think about.

    1. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head somewhat with you thoughts about knowing and acting on what we know of God. And thanks for the thoughts on names…plenty of hebrew examples to choose from (and inspiration from my RE studies on the 99 names of Allah!)…

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